I had a dream last night that made me realize a few things. I don't even remember what the dream was about, only that someone within in that dream stopped me and pulled me aside. He told me that the reason I decided to 'hang up my brushes' wasn't because I was quitting on my art; It was because I was quitting on myself.
It kind of struck me as an epiphany while I was at work earlier this morning. My desire to stop drawing anything extensive wasn't for lack of passion in my own art, so much as it was a lack of faith in myself.
I don't think very highly of myself, often seeing myself as nothing more than some miserable wretch. Despite my efforts to try and love myself, I'm unable to do so; I simply can't find any reasons to. There are things about myself and qualities I have that I think are good, but it's not enough to love myself. If anything else, I often hate myself for my own shortcomings and my inability to plan ahead for anything, much less do anything. I very often don't take my own advice, and already have a lifetime of regrets now because of it.
This is all of relevance because I often hear (and to some extent believe) that you have to be able to love yourself in order to, at the very least, find inner peace.. which is something I'm woefully in short supply of. And I think it's greatly impacted my ability (or inability in this case) to create art. I don't go out and live life and partake in its wonders and excitement, which I also believe is impacting my art. I'm very often willfully stuck behind this monitor, viewing the world from here, telling other people to get out and enjoy life instead. And I regret it. But I can't quit it.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, I'm going to try and get out more, to see things a little more and try to rediscover my appreciation for life and art. I'm in no way invigorated or charged with new purpose or anything like that, and I'm still in a rut. But I at least realize my lack of motivation for art is likely because I have no faith or love in myself or my life. At least now I have some focus, and can move from there. But I suppose we'll see where that goes.